Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk

by David Sedaris

If animals were more like us, if mice kept pets and toads could cuss, if dogs had wives and chipmunks dated, sheep sat still and meditated, then in the forest, field, and dairy you might find this bestiary, read by storks, by rats and kitties, skimmed by cows with milk-stained titties. "I found the book to be most droll," might quip the bear, the owl, the mole. Others, though, would be more coarse. "Bull," could say the pig and horse. As to the scribe, they'd quote the hen: "Trust me, he's no La Fontaine."